card house dreams.

And then she said she can't believe, genius only comes along in storms of fabled foreign tongues,

I'm a girl of seventeen who has many dreams and is finding her way.

I like
music,
cute things,
dancing,
dreaming,
being inspired,
crafts,
ramen noodles,
pretty smiles,
musicals,
makeup,
anything that sparkles,
tea,
the beach,
and I love this band called panic! at the disco.

This is my small space on the interwebs where I will share my feelings, hopes, and dreams; my way of channeling my thoughts and views of the world.
.

Tripping eyes, and flooded lungs,

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Northern downpour sends its love. ♥

It's not that you don't have any fears, it's that you have a lot of fears but you jump anyway.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

So I've been thinking about what to write here for the past week, (I know updates once a week are quite sad, but it's coming down to exams and time doesn't seem to be on my side)and so I thought of how I'd describe how I've felt for the past week. The biggest word that stuck out was "scared".

I am scared of everything.

I am scared of my future.
I am scared of gaining weight.
I am scared of dying.
I am scared of being sick.
I am scared of needles.
I am scared of math equations.
I am scared of what people think of me.
I am scared of people in general.
I am scared of the unknown.
I am scared of failure.

I'm pretty sure I have more fears than these, but these were the most prominent ones this week and most of the time. It feels good to have them written out in front of me. It gives a different view seeing them with my eyes and not just mumbo jumbo inside my head. Looking at them now I see how silliness of some of them, and the seriousness of others. This makes me scared. How predictable.

I am scared of my future because it is so unknown. There is no absolute certainty to it. During one of my sob-fests this week I expressed this to my mom. I told her how terrified I was about not knowing things for certain; not knowing if I'll make it were I want to be, not knowing if I'll ever reach my dreams. She explained to me that I can't live my life like this, I can't have an unchangeable plan because life changes all the time. I know this is 100% true, but I don't like it, I want to rebel against the universe and tell it that I can't live life not knowing things for certain and that I need structure in order to function and that it needs to give me that.

As Haya expressed on her last blog, the fear of gaining weight is always there. I think about it every time I eat, every time I see myself in a mirror, every time I remember I am hungry. A lot of people think I think I am fat because I want attention or reassurance or whatever. I will say right now it is not. I don't necessarily think I'm fat as in obese. But I don't think I'm skinny enough, I have visible fat on my body and I don't like it. I'm not a size 2 and I don't like it. I don't have a flat stomach anymore and I don't like it. That is how I feel, take it how you will.

I'm scared of being sick because I'm scared of dying. They go hand in hand for me. You get sick, and eventually you're gonna die. There's always that chance. I'm mostly scared of dying because I wonder if people will even care. I mean, you're close family will be devastated, but will any of the other people in your life really care after say maybe a couple weeks? Sure they might remember you on that date every year, but it won't really change their everyday lives very much. It's sad and it scares me. But that's just how life is I suppose.

I am dead scared of needles because they hurt. Plain and simple.

I am scared of math equations because I am horrible with them and thus lead to failure - which is another biggie for me. When I see a huge equation that I have no clue how to even start, it ignites a panic within me that words cannot describe. The thought of not being able to do it is petrifying. Every time I can't do it, it's another little failure being added onto the hundreds of others. I know enough math to understand that lots of little things add up to one big thing and this big thing is a big failure. A big wall of failure blocking me from my dreams. If only I was good at math. How can I be fine at everything else, and then be so disastrous at another? Hate it.

Lastly, I'm scared of people. Yes, weird. But it's true. I am scared of what people think of me and it has lead to a fear of people.

Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.

I don't think I'm the only one. I think everyone has at least a small level of fear as to how people perceive them, mine is just slightly worse. I feel good about being able to say it and not lie to myself and others about it. I think I play this fear off as not liking people and it's true, I prefer to be alone, most people annoy me. But I also think I'm very afraid of what people think of me. I'm working on this and I hope one day I will be one of those people who say "I don't care what people think of me." And mean it.

So now that I've exposed my fears I'm gonna post a song about not being scared. A song about being fearless. Mainly about love and how it is so fearless. It's by Taylor Swift. Love her :)

I am not scared of love.

4 comments

4 Comments:

Wow Chev, that was so honest it scared me a little. I too share many of these fears, well not math or needles but the other stuff. Like people! I know exactly what you mean, because although at times I appear to love being around people, there is always something in the back of my mind wondering how they are perceving and judging me. I rlly loved reading this and thanks for putting out all these fears, trust me we've all got them and you' re not alone <3
haya

By Anonymous, at January 17, 2010 at 5:58 PM

Thanks Haya! I had all of this contained inside for so long I just wanted to put it out there. All of it. I think that's why it's so honest, I just wrote exactly what I felt. I almost didn't want to write it all because it's hard to tell everyone what scares you. It's almost like we've been brought up to keep our fears inside for fear of people seeing us as weak or silly.
And it makes me feel better that everyone has these fears. I mean I know that's not a good thing, but it's nice to know you're not suffering alone :)

xoxo

By Chevalier T., at January 17, 2010 at 8:41 PM

I am happy that you dont write here everyday. i dont think it matter if you write on your blog once a week, once a year or everyday.

when you feel like it you should write :)
or pure your heart out.

i always love reading your blogs because i can relate to them everytime.

i mean i already know we are so alike, and with your blogs i feel that much closer to you.

chevalier i am with you on all of the fears you have listed. pretty much sums up what i am afraid of, needles especially and bugs. and dying as i said in my blog, and getting obese, and math and chemistry, and what people think of me. most importantly my number one fear is lossing my friends because as you know my friends mean the world to me, so loosing you, would break a piece of me inside. :(

dont leave, ever, please.

you are not alone, not now, not ever.

dont ever tell yourself you are alone or think this way. because i am here and so is everyone else that cares about you and loves you just like me.

plus i love the video :) i love taylor, her songs are so simple yet so honest, pure and she wristes about things people can relate to. (L) love you. Petra

By with love, at January 17, 2010 at 8:56 PM

Aww Petra, I won't leave. And I know, I'm comforted that others have some similar fears. I know, with friends like you guys I'm not alone :) Love you guys too :)

And yeah Taylor is amazing, all her songs just grab you. They're just so real. And she's so real too. Love her.

xoxo

By Chevalier T., at January 22, 2010 at 8:39 PM