card house dreams.

And then she said she can't believe, genius only comes along in storms of fabled foreign tongues,

I'm a girl of seventeen who has many dreams and is finding her way.

I like
music,
cute things,
dancing,
dreaming,
being inspired,
crafts,
ramen noodles,
pretty smiles,
musicals,
makeup,
anything that sparkles,
tea,
the beach,
and I love this band called panic! at the disco.

This is my small space on the interwebs where I will share my feelings, hopes, and dreams; my way of channeling my thoughts and views of the world.
.

Tripping eyes, and flooded lungs,

ShoutMix chat widget

Northern downpour sends its love. ♥

Saturday, May 22, 2010

New post! Yay :) No I haven't ditched blogger because of my new Tumblr, I'll definitely still be posting here, but just less often. The reason being that I put a lot more effort and thought into these posts than I do for the Tumblr posts and I don't like to rush these ones, so they come out less often. But it's quality over quantity right?

SO, The past couple weeks have been a little bit less than great to say the least, but I find that when the universe isn't going my way, I learn the most about not only life, but also about myself. I swear by the age of seventeen you should probably pretty much know yourself, but no, not me. Last week I learned what an absolutely terrible person I can be. I realize that no matter how much we dedicate ourselves to living a life full of love and compassion for everyone (including ourselves, which is the hardest!), we are still human and have small craters of our beings that are filled with hate and jealousy and all those baddies. I generally try to shush these baddies and concentrate on only the good, but for some reason unknown to me, these little guys escaped into my head last week. For a couple days I was an atrocious being that I could never be proud of. I was actually quite surprised how rotten the inside of my head was for a little while. Almost everything and everyone I saw provoked a firestorm of mean, nasty, jealous thoughts and criticisms. I would never voice them, but they were still there. This makes me a little uneasy because this is not the kind of person I want to be, I work hard to push myself to be accepting and loving towards everyone and it's something I'm very proud of. That little stint left me feeling like the world's biggest hypocrite. Here I am preaching peace and love to everyone when I can't even think peaceful and loving thoughts in my head? Pretty pathetic. Thank goodness that mind frame is gone. No more baddies for me! I'm back to only good thoughts, even if my life is crumbling before my very eyes. This is one good thing and that gives me hope. We all need something good to hang onto when the universe decides to throw crap our way right?

So on to the crappy crap crap. First off, thank you universe for kicking me flat on my face when I thought things were going so great. There's this bitch called Karma who decided to pay me one hell of a visit recently. I kinda feel like this is an uncalled for visit though. It's almost as if something that happened a little while ago that was not my fault (one of those things that you can't help, that just happen and you really feel bad about and you do your best to help the situation even though there's really nothing you can do about it) is now coming back to bite me in the ass. The tables have turned; things have come full circle. It's just so ironic how the roles have changed and how now I'm the one feeling like heart is being ripped out of my chest. No, it's more of a gut-dropping feeling that never goes away because there are those constant little reminders that crop up to remind you what you don't get to have. No matter how badly you want to be that person or how absolutely hard you try you won't get what you want. Ugh, not fair. Now I know exactly how bad it feels and boy does it stink. I feel even more guilty now that I've walked in those shoes. Stinks.

But it's not the first time this has happened. It always seems that I spent so much time being infatuated with things that I don't realize that time is passing and things are slipping away. Somewhere during this time life happens, and other people are getting what they want. What I want. It's just how life works for me I guess. I'm not the kind of person who is aggressive and who will fight people for things. Not my style. I choose classy over trashy always. So I guess this repetition of events will forever define my life, someone else will always get what I had hoped for and life goes on. And that's the only saving grace about it. Life goes on.

Also, my marks are plummeting. It's quite terrible. For the first time ever I actually teared up during school about them. Things are not good. It seems that even something I thought to be one my strengths - my academics - isn't looking promising either. Oh and that job interview I was so excited about? They never got back to me. It's been a week and I haven't gotten a call or an e-mail. Very disappointing. But even with all this crap going on I'm happy to say that I've managed to keep myself more mentally stable than usual. Normally I would be having mental breakdowns here and there and torturing poor K with unrelenting phone calls that are more sob-sessions than actual phone calls. I've kept a smile on my face and stayed happy and positive for everyone else. Just because my life is crap doesn't mean that everyone else's is. In fact, it seems that other people's lives are looking up. And I'm really happy for them :) It gives me so much hope to see things going so well for others. Maybe soon I will get some of this happiness and I'll be able to share it with everyone else too. But for now I'll just have to settle with smiling and being happy for them. And I'm okay with that. Because these things will change.

Oh it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it

xoxo

1 comments

1 Comments:

:) chevy, I like the fact that finally when I read your posts I know exactly what you are talking about. I finally feel in the loop. I love you and you deserve better. Way better.

Petra ♥

By with love, at June 16, 2010 at 9:00 PM